Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's day

I didn't grow up thinking I wanted to be a mom. I grew up thinking I wanted to be something. And I went to school forever, and did just that. We were married for 7 years prior to having children. And I thought I had everything I wanted. I had a great career in medicine that fulfilled the nurturing part of my personality. I had my little dog to snuggle with. I still had my weekends to sleep in, eat out, and spend time shopping with dh. I was really, really comfortable in my life. Even though I occasionally entertained the idea of children, it was a leap I probably would not have been brave enough to make if left to my own ideas. One of my very first layouts I ever posted on 2 peas:

I guess lucky for J (and me), the universe saw fit to shove me right off that ledge. After I received the word that my husband was seriously injured and that M had been killed in Iraq, everything, and I mean absolutely everything snapped into focus for me. I could see so clearly, with absolute clarity what my priorities were, and what they needed to be. Life is about relationships, our interaction with other people, the hope and the joy and the lessons we teach one another. It isn't about things, it isn't about money, it isn't about power or climbing a ladder or success or fame or fortune of any kind. None of it will keep you warm when you are all alone in this world. Yeah, the universe shook me pretty hard and I had never felt more alone then I did in that moment when dh was half a world away in some makeshift hospital. And less than six months after my husband came home and I assisted in his rehab, I was pregnant. And that was not an accident, it was not the universe playing games with us. We made a decision to let our love grow into a family. We needed that little bundle of joy and hope as much as J needed us.

Motherhood has been my highest highs and my lowest lows. When it's right, it's poetry in motion. I stand in those moment in awe of the life I helped create, in rapture of the joy he brings us, and in anticipation of the amazing person he is becoming. And when it's bad, I could crawl back into bed and hide under the covers in tears. Unlike with patients, there is no objectivity with you own kids, so when they hurt you, they can really wound you. And as brave as I was to enter into this motherhood thing with my eyes wide open, I'm still surprised every single day at how inadequate I feel and how I seem to question every decision. Still, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that J is the reason dh is alive, was allowed to live. He is our purpose, and it was meant to be. I knew I wanted to be something, I just didn't know that that something was Mom.

I've had the most perfect weekend, perfect in my eyes anyway. Even the weather seems to have come around. Happy Mother's day to all who stop by! Until tomorrow.


Sarah said...

Beautiful thoughts Danielle!

Close To Home said...

you are a beautiful and strong, mother. thank you for your honest thoughts. happy mother's day!